Remember that film you saw that time when you were hungover and there was nothing else on? You know the one: it was about a hard-bitten professional losing sight of the magic of Christmas or something. And then something weird and supernatural happened to them and they physically turned into the thing they'd been so cynical about and remembered how important magic and childhood was after all? And then you saw that film again, on a plane, only starring someone different? And then your niece asked for something remarkably like it for her birthday?
Well, it turns out they've made it again. Same film. This time it's starring Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
And it's about the tooth fairy. Because apparently we've run out of good mythical figures, and are now reduced to exposing our children to the magical adventures of the dental assistants of the fantasy world.
Still. It must be a good film, right? Otherwise they wouldn't have made it quite so many times.
The new twist on it this time is that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson – unimpressively called Derek "The Tooth Fairy" Thompson here, which isn't much of an improvement – is an ice-hockey player.
A particularly mean one, with a talent for hitting people so hard their teeth are sent flying.
Derek is under threat from younger, feistier hockey players – although below he appears to be perhaps more of an erotic inspiration to one of the younger fellas in the background, and we should probably just draw a curtain across that. Or a towel, perhaps.
Under pressure at work and apparently not a very good example to the kids, he breaks a cardinal rule and almost tells a beautiful little girl that there's no such thing as the tooth fairy.
And that, apparently, is what leads him to receive a punishment from the high fairy council (tooth department) – a week as a tooth fairy.
"With hilarious consequences!" That's what comes next, right? That's what always comes next, whether it's true or not.
He learns to fly, which involves a pinch of dubious physics and a bucketload of being hit in the gonads with tennis balls, setting the tone for the rest of the jokes.
And, as he goes through fairy training and gadget preparation work, Dwayne-Derek "The Tooth Rock Fairy" Johnson-Thompson is seen to be co-starring with:
a) Julie Andrews, reprising her traditional role as some kind of bizarrely ageless fairy godmother.
b) Billy Crystal, who appears to be playing pretty much the same mad old magic man as in The Princess Bride.
c) Stephen Merchant, who appears to be playing "officious and tall" as perfectly as ever.
d) A giant puss*cat. Who hasn't, to my knowledge, been typecast (apart from as a cat), but does provide a handy nickname for Dwayne Johnson if he ever fancies going back to wrestling after all these sodding children's films.
And then he's set loose to visit children in their nightly repose and exchange monies for body parts. I have always said that tooth fairy thing was weird. Regardless, this is what happens.
Anyway, this reluctant tooth fairy begins his new job unhappily but, as time progresses, decides he can be the best tooth fairy in the world – announcing, ice-hockey-suited up and all cricky of neck at 1min 30sec: "But I'm doing it … MY WAY." With … all together now … hilarious consequences.
Sigh.
And that's all there is to it. At some point in there, you can be sure, he rediscovers the magic of childhood and reconnects with both his own inner child and his family. And maybe that guy in the locker room, too. Who knows?
That's the marketing slogan you just know they thought up way before any of the rest of the film went into production.
And you know what, they might be right. I'm not sure that many people can, but those studio execs almost certainly won't care. Why? Because the target market, the ones who may demand to watch it over and over again, probably while tugging on the end of your arm and in an increasingly whiny voice? They can handle it. And the rest of the world? Well, that's what Boxing Day and aeroplanes and the phrase "I'm sure I've seen this film before" were invented for.
